You are viewing idioticonion

22 March 2009 @ 09:32 pm
FIC: Instant Pleasure (5/5) HIMYM  
Title: Instant Pleasure
Rating: Adult for crack!fic smutty smut smut of the het/slash and sub/dom variety.
Summary: Finally, here it is. The OT5, the awesome party of five, the five-way gang bang. I did it! 
Written for: promethia_tenk , who wondered if this was possible.
Fandom: HIMYM, Ensemble (aka orgy)
Spoilers for: This is set around the time of Intervention - Marshall and Lily still live with Ted
Word count: 1000

5. Ted

          Ted was wondering what on earth Barney was doing in Lily and Marshall's room (it didn't bear thinking about) and when he opened the door, he took one look at the Hieronymus-Bosch-esq scene in front of him, turned around and walked right out again.

          He blinked slowly, once, twice, three times. He took a deep breath.

          He went back inside the bedroom.  He made a strangled noise. He walked right back out again.

          Okay, so that was definitely not happening. He was definitely having some kind of mental breakdown. Yes, a mental breakdown. Because that made more sense. Because, seriously, he did not just see Lily and Robin with half their clothes off doing… things… to each other.

          And he certainly didn't see Marshall… ngh!

          Shaking a little, he walked back into the bedroom.

          Luckily (in the loosest sense of the word) Marshall was no longer doing… that… to Barney and Lily was no longer doing whatever-it-is-girls-do with Robin. In fact, both Marshall and Lily were standing by the door.

          "Uh… guys!" Ted protested. "Can you please put some more clothes on."

          "Oh Ted…" Lily said, pulling him towards her in a loose embrace.

          "Ted… Ted…" Marshall repeated, wrapping his arms around Ted from behind so that he was totally enveloped between the two of them.

          "Hey!" Came a familiar voice from the bed. "Will you guys stop cuddling and start humping? And someone UNTIE ME!"

          "I told you we should have gagged him…" Marshall laughed into Ted's shoulder. Meanwhile, Lily was doing very… bad things/good things… with her hands to the front of his pants. And that wasn't something he'd ever even-

          Oh boy!

          In a panic, Ted tried to pull away but then he was transfixed with horror as Robin crawled across the bed and straddled Barney.

          "Marshall!" Ted squeaked. "I'm about to get married!"

          Marshall squeezed his shoulder. "I know, buddy. That's great."

          "But my point-" Ted's voice went up another register as Lily pulled down his zipper and he felt he knuckles brush over his shorts. "But my point is that my fiancé isn't doing… er… that… to your… penis! Oh my god!" His eyes rolled back in his head.

          "Hey, call Stella up! All hot chicks get a free ride on Barnacle junior!" Barney shouted from the bed. "Limited offer only."

          "Robin, honey, shut him up, will ya?" Lily said as she pulled Ted's jeans down over his hips.

          "Lily… stop… please…" Ted begged her.

          "Let it go, Ted," Marshall whispered in his ear. And this was horrible and wrong but Jesus Lily was good at that (all these years and he'd had no idea what made Marshall make those noises in the bottom bunk). "It's not like you haven't seen all of us naked before."

          Ted opened his mouth to protest but quickly realised Marshall was right. Although, quite how he knew about him and Barney-

          "So, I'm the woman you love?" Robin said, shifting forward on her knees until she was straddling Barney's chest.

          Marshall, Lily and Ted turned to face them.

          "Er, yeah, about that…" Barney said, laughing nervously.

         "You wanna show me how much you love me, hot-stuff?" Robin said with an evil grin.

          Barney stuck out his tongue and wriggled it.

          Robin laughed out loud, moved higher and lowered herself over his face.

          Marshall, Lily and Ted's jaws dropped simultaneously.

          "Wow," Marshall said.

          "You go, girl!" Lily said.

          And as Robin began to moan, Ted suddenly had an inexplicable urge to join them, the tiniest spark of jealousy igniting in his belly.

          Lily grabbed him by the dick and pulled him, inexorably, over to the bed so that the three of them came crashing down next to Barney and Robin, jolting the two of them to one side. "Hey!" Robin said, her thighs clamping down around Barney's head, practically suffocating him.

          Ted flailed about beneath Marshall's large body, helpless as Lily went to work on his cock, her lips fastening hungrily around it. Ted laughed nervously, wondering just how long Lily had fantasised about this moment, given the enthusiasm she was showing.

          Unreasonably small mouth opening girl?? FUCK no…

          Ted cried out as Lily deep-throated him while Marshall meanwhile managed to get behind his wife, pushing her forward on to Ted's cock while he (presumably) was also trying to have sex with her.

          Lily made a low groaning noise in her throat that reverberated up Ted's shaft, into his balls and right up his spinal column. He grabbed the sheets, twisting them as Lily's head bobbed up and down over his groin. This wasn't happening, he told himself. This wasn't happening.

          If he closed his eyes, perhaps it wasn't-

          Oh Jesus! Oh shit! Oh, something definitely was happening. Something was imminently going to happen right down his best friend's wifes' throat.


          And then he was coming and Robin was coming and Lily was coming and Marshall was coming and he could feel something yank him to the side and his eyes flew open to see Marshall jerking Barney off and-


          The entire bed shifted and dropped a few inches beneath them, causing Ted and Lily to scream in terror and Robin to scream in ecstasy before losing her grip and collapsing across Ted's chest.

          Ted coughed and rubbed his eyes as a plume of dust rose up from beneath the broken bed.

          There was a groan. Then:

          "What the fuck just happened?"

          "Ooo, I've got come on my new silk skirt!"

          "Wow, that was great, baby."

          "Will someone please untie me?"

          Ted couldn't help but laugh. "This never happened, right?"

          "Right," Lily confirmed.

          "Sure thing," said Marshall.

          "No problemo," Robin laughed.

          "Barney?" Ted prompted him.

          "That was awesome," Barney said. "So when are we doing it again?"

          They all glared at him.

          "What? I'll buy you a new bed! What?" He gulped as he saw Robin's grab Lily's bra, which she proceeded to stuff it in his mouth. 

         "Thanks Robin." Marshall said, chuckling.

         "Someone had to do it." Robin yawned and snuggled up to Marshall. "You're comfy," she muttered.

         "Yeah, Marshall's like a great bit bear." Ted said, closing his eyes. "Someone remember to untie Barney?"

         "Yes, Ted," Lily said. "I love you guys."

         Ted smiled and drifted off into sleep. There was probably going to be weirdness in the morning.

         But future-Ted could deal with that.


Current Location: Pinchbeck
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
Otemps: Barney lolotempora42 on March 22nd, 2009 10:03 pm (UTC)
You know how I normally say that things are awesome? Well, imagine that I'd called all of those things OK, or something. Just as a frame of reference.

This. Was. AWESOME.

First of all, Ted *would* immediately think of Hieronymus Bosch upon seeing a foursome. And then I loved "whatever-it-is-girls-do". And then Barney and Robin do their whole teasing each other thing, and Lily and Marshall jump Ted, and then THE BED BREAKS. THANK YOU FOR STEALING THAT FROM ME, IT WAS AMAZING. And then they're all awesome and casual at the end, and "someone UNTIE ME" and I LOVE THIS.


*gives you the crown/belt/sceptre/whatever the hell it is we decided to give you for the OT5*
idioticonion: HIMYM Group Hugidioticonion on March 22nd, 2009 10:42 pm (UTC)
Hehe, I said I was going to use the bed breaking!! Hehe. I am SO glad you liked it. It's probably the silliest thing I've ever attempted!
Otemps: Alyson smileotempora42 on March 22nd, 2009 10:45 pm (UTC)
I love the silliness. It's epic in its scope. :P

Also, love the icon. Group mini-dry hump for the win. :D
idioticonionidioticonion on March 22nd, 2009 10:47 pm (UTC)
I know! That icon is just SO PERFECT for the five-way! :D
Otemps: Barney/Robinotempora42 on March 22nd, 2009 10:50 pm (UTC)
It really is.

Also, I'm having serious trouble picking five fics I like. I am entirely too self-critical.
idioticonionidioticonion on March 22nd, 2009 11:09 pm (UTC)
Stop being critical! Right now!

*threatens with iguana-ing*
1angelette: fangirl Barney1angelette on March 22nd, 2009 10:31 pm (UTC)
Broken bed. Just.... broken bed. Dear god, that just wins FOREVER. That and Barney wanting to be untied. And then you broke my heart by mentioning Stella. Gee, thanks. I almost want to see a sequel where Stella finds out and goes all dominatrix on them in revenge...
idioticonionidioticonion on March 22nd, 2009 10:44 pm (UTC)
Hehe! Thank you! I had to mention Stella once I realised that the five way was only possible if Marshall and Lily still lived with Ted and Barney had fallen in love with Robin! So it had to be while Ted and Stella was still together.

I wonder if they'd have another five-way to cheer Ted up after Stella dumps Ted?
[a][m][b][e][r]: help me!loquaciousambie on March 23rd, 2009 05:52 am (UTC)
*mauls you with plot bunnies to urge you to write sequel*

*in which Barney still has not been untied*

I feel lame 'cause I totally had to google Hieronymus Bosch. I wonder why we never learned about that Garden painting in school.
idioticonionidioticonion on March 23rd, 2009 08:05 am (UTC)
Hehe! My stories are not only entertaining but also educational! *is proud*

Bosch is creepy and cool. :D
the strongest fragile walls.: HIMYM.teamnikitembo on March 22nd, 2009 11:45 pm (UTC)
I just want to applaud you for doing this.

You truly are the master.
idioticonionidioticonion on March 22nd, 2009 11:50 pm (UTC)
Master...? Or insane? One of the two!

But thank you for your applause! :D
Butterflysnogged on March 23rd, 2009 12:11 am (UTC)
It is my esteemed pleasure to bestow this upon you :)


You have outdone yourself.

And I hope no writing bones were broken during the making of this awesome and superbly funny fic :)
idioticonionidioticonion on March 23rd, 2009 07:53 am (UTC)
Awwww! Sniffle! Thank you! Sniffle! I'd like to thank Snogged, for always being there, my husband, my mom and Neil Patrick Harris for being my inspiration!!!
*makeup runs*

No bones were broken. But this is the silliest thing I've EVER written! Hehe.
Butterfly: [HIMYM] College Barney High Twossnogged on March 23rd, 2009 12:23 pm (UTC)
Oh, I don't doubt that for a second.

It was certainly a fun ride though!
idioticonionidioticonion on March 23rd, 2009 01:42 pm (UTC)
I've now put that banner on my profile. Because I am sad and very proud of it! Hehe.
intergalactic super geek: tacolovephantmgreeneyes on March 23rd, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC)
Um... AWESOME!!! And hot. and just a little bit odd.
Very very nice job! I applaud you.
idioticonion: HIMYM Group Hugidioticonion on March 23rd, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC)
Hehe. I know, it's very odd! But you can't have OT5 without SOME oddness, right? Hehe.
inaudible melodies: [himym] suit downcharmling on March 24th, 2009 03:14 am (UTC)
So, every time you write something... different, like this, I think 'eh, not my thing' and scroll past. And then it nags at my brain for three days, I come back and read it, and love it to pieces. You've done it again. ♥

Edited for more appropriate icon usage. :D

Edited at 2009-03-24 03:16 am (UTC)
idioticonionidioticonion on March 24th, 2009 10:24 am (UTC)
Hahah! Icon=genius. And thank you for reading this disgraceful piece of smut. It's terrible isn't it? Shameless.

And thank you for trusting me enough to read stuff that you wouldn't normally read. And for being all sweet on top of that!

promethia_tenkpromethia_tenk on March 27th, 2009 06:53 pm (UTC)
I go away and then you go for the five-way!?! (The pentacycle?) Sorry I couldn't be there every step of the way, but oh, God, what genius.



And who else could have done it with such aplomb? No one, that's who.

Selfish note: do I get to claim original prompting on this? Proof:
idioticonionidioticonion on March 27th, 2009 10:11 pm (UTC)
Oh my GOD! You DID put that thought into my head! I have belatedly credited you in the header. Hehehehe!

And I've just asked snogged to make an official "I blame promethia_tenk" icon!
promethia_tenkpromethia_tenk on March 27th, 2009 11:48 pm (UTC)
>Oh my GOD! You DID put that thought into my head! I have belatedly credited you in the header. Hehehehe!

Hee. Thanks. I know there were some others prompting you as well, but I had a sneaking suspicion that I'd been the first.

>And I've just asked snogged to make an official "I blame promethia_tenk" icon!

Sweet! I'm gonna be an icon! *crosses off life-long to-do list*
madisonpassionmadisonpassion on April 15th, 2009 09:19 pm (UTC)
Wow. That should be the most completely unbelievable thing that I've ever read - and it is true, it's crackfic! - but the voices were really good.

Oh, also hot sex = yay! And I'm a sucker for ensemble/friend love.
idioticonion: Smut Princessidioticonion on April 15th, 2009 09:30 pm (UTC)
Trust me when I say, writing that story did nearly break me. But it was a challenge. A smutty challenge! Hehe.
yagizamiyagizami on June 22nd, 2010 03:50 pm (UTC)
ahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA OMG THE BED BROKE HOW AWESOME IS THAT XD and I love how Ted's all "future-Ted could deal with that" xD
you're the queen of OT5, there totally should be more of that!
idioticonionidioticonion on June 22nd, 2010 09:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you! This really is very crack-y and there's a better story on AO3 if you want it. But I think I was the first to attempt the OT5!
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )